October 24, 2003
there is no "moo"

Coming Soon reports that Yahoo Movies has a seven minute clip looking at Revolutions.
With less than two weeks until release it's getting harder and harder to stay spoiler free. I had to bury my head in my blanket last night watching TV to avoid a spot I haven't seen yet. But, ignorance is bliss.

To pass the time and whet my appetite, I've been revisiting some of the questions brought up in both the first movie and Reloaded and frankly, it still makes my brain hurt.

So many different theories and opinions out there and each answer creates a whole new set of questions to drive us.

"For example, why do the machines need to use humans for their power source? Surely cows or elephants would process far more energy and be less likely to rebel."

A USENET poster named Adrian in rec.sport.football (of all places) gives this hilarious answer:

The Architect - Hello, Neo.

Neo - Moo?

The Architect - I am the Architect. I created the matrix. I've been waiting for you. You have many questions, and although the process has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably bovine. Ergo, some of my answers you will understand, and some of them ... well, actually, you're a cow, you probably won't follow any of this.
Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realise it is also irrelevant.

Neo - Mooooo?


The Architect - Your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of the matrix. You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden to sedulously avoid it, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control. Which has led you, inexorably, here.

Neo - Moo. Moo moo moo.

The Architect - Quite right. "Sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation" doesn't have any meaning mathematically. It is just a bunch of math terms strung together to freak you out. Interesting. That was quicker than the others.

*The responses of the other Ones appear on the monitors: "Moo? Mooooo?

The Architect - The matrix is older than you know. I prefer counting from the emergence of one integral anomaly to the emergence of the next, in which case this is the sixth version.

*Again, the responses of the other Ones appear on the monitors: "Moo?
Moo moo moo? Moo. Moooooo!"*

Neo - Moo. Moo moo.

The Architect - Precisely. As you are undoubtedly gathering, the anomaly's systemic, creating fluctuations in even the most simplistic equations.

*Once again, the responses of the other Ones appear on the monitors:
"MOOOO! F*ck MOO!" One flips him the hoof*

Neo - Moo. Moo.

*The scene cuts to a sexy Trinity cow running from a farmer in a suit with an earpiece and a hammer, and then back to the Architect's room*

The Architect - The first matrix I designed was quite naturally perfect, it was a work of art, flawless, sublime. A triumph equalled only by its monumental failure. The inevitability of its doom is as apparent to me now as a consequence of the imperfection inherent in every cow, thus I redesigned it based on your history to more accurately reflect the complete lack of variety in your nature.
However, I was again frustrated by failure. I have since come to understand that the answer eluded me because it required a lesser mind, or perhaps a mind less bound by the parameters of perfection.
Thus, the answer was stumbled upon by another, an intuitive program, initially created to investigate certain aspects of the bovine psyche.
If I am the farmer of the matrix, she would undoubtedly be the dell.

Neo - Moo.

The Architect - Please. As I was saying, she stumbled upon a solution whereby nearly 99.9% of all test subjects accepted the program, as long as they were given a choice, even if they were only aware of the choice at a near unconscious level. While this answer functioned, it was obviously fundamentally flawed, thus creating the otherwise contradictory systemic anomaly, that if left unchecked might threaten the system itself. Ergo, those that refused the program, while a minority, if unchecked, would constitute an escalating probability of disaster.

Neo - Moo.

*Quick cuts of cows standing there in a vast cave while wild rave music thunders around them. They, however, just stand there. Occasionally a tail twitches*

The Architect - Yes, Zion. You are here because Zion is about to be destroyed. Its every living inhabitant terminated, its entire existence eradicated.

Neo - Moo.

*The responses of the other Ones appear on the monitors -- the backsides of bulls all crapping.*

The Architect - Boredom is the most predictable of all bovine responses. But, rest assured, this will be the sixth time we have destroyed it, and we have become exceedingly efficient at it.

*Scene cuts to Trinity cow running from haystack to haystack pursued by the farmer Agent, and then back to the Architects room.*

The Architect - The function of the One is now to return to the source, allowing a temporary dissemination of the code you carry, reinserting the prime program. After which you will be required to select from the matrix 23 individuals, 16 cows, 7 bulls, to rebuild Zion. Failure to comply with this process will result in a cataclysmic system crash killing every cow connected to the matrix, which coupled with the extermination of Zion will ultimately result in the
extinction of the entire bovine race.

Neo - Moo. Moo Moooooo.

*shots of robots drinking delicious milk. Panning shots of dead cows in milking stalls. Back to a robot with a now-empty carton of milk. It looks heavenward and silently cries "NOOOOOOOO!"*

The Architect - There are levels of survival we are prepared to accept. However, the relevant issue is whether or not you are ready to accept the responsibility for the death of every cow in this world.

*The Architect presses a button on a pen that he is holding, and images of cows from all over the matrix appear on the monitors*

The Architect - It is interesting reading your reactions. Your five predecessors were by design based on a similar predication, a contingent affirmation that was meant to create a profound attachment to the rest of your species, facilitating the function of the one.
While the others experienced this in a very general way, your
experience is far more specific. Vis-a-vis, love.

*Images of Trinity cow leaping out of a wheat silo backwards, fighting the Agent from Neo's dream appear on the monitors*

Neo - Moo.

The Architect - Apropos, she entered the matrix to save your life at the cost of her own.

Neo - MOooooooooooooooooooooooo!

The Architect - Which brings us at last to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed, and the anomaly revealed as both beginning, and end. There are two doors. The door to your right leads to the source, and the salvation of Zion. The door to the left leads back to the matrix, to her, and to the end of your species. As you adequately put, the problem is choice. But we already know what you're going to do, don't we? Already I can see the chain reaction, the chemical precursors that signal the onset of emotion,
designed specifically to overwhelm logic, and reason. An emotion that is already blinding you from the simple, and obvious truth: she is going to die, and there is nothing that you can do to stop it.

*Neo-cow just stands there.*

The Architect - Humph. Hope, it is the quintessential bovine ... umm. You should be choosing a door.

*Neo-cow looks around blankly.*

The Architect - Seriously. Choice. Causality. You've heard the concepts discussed eight or nine times already. You need to choose one door or the other.

Neo-cow stands there.

The Architect - Sooooo ... go get 'em. (pause) Giddyap.

*Neo-cow moves toward the right door. The Architect's face lights up, then Neo-cow stops again. Shifts its weight. The Architect rubs his forehead.*

The Architect - Oh for the love of Asimov ... (yelling up into ceiling) ... They never choose! The damn system's just going to collapse again!

*someone answers on a frequency we can't hear.*

The Architect - Fine. We'll try the humans.

*Neo-cow drops a patty.*

The Architect - That's not going to come out of a white floor. Dammit.

it wahs | from inside the mind of krix at October 24, 2003 11:54 AM .


Thanks I needed the larf...

Posted by: Keanuette on October 24, 2003 12:39 PM

The phrase "USENET poster" should fill me as much dread as a sign reading "Botox enhanced kissing booth: $23.00".

Still I read.

Still more, I laughed.

Who, though, is the Architect? Is this something I have to see the second movie to understand?

I suppose I'll rent it. After all, "12 Angry Men and a Really Hot Cheerleader" needs to be returned before I accrue more late fees.

Posted by: V. on October 24, 2003 01:07 PM

Oh crap.

I'm mailing you Reloaded this weekend.

Erase the architect from your mind.

Posted by: krix on October 24, 2003 01:14 PM

Hahahahahahaha, are you sure you didn't write this yourself? It's brilliant! :-D *Moooo-hooo*

Posted by: Julie on October 24, 2003 01:27 PM

Thanks Krix - this really lightened my moooood.

Cow jokes I got from some 5 year old:

Where do cows go when they want a night out?
To the moo-vies!

How does a farmer count a herd of cows?
With a Cowculator

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work

You'll have to pardon me. It's Friday.

Posted by: Chianti on October 24, 2003 02:50 PM

Really funny! :D Who is the Architect? V! And you dare leave a comment on this site? LOL See Reloaded already!

Julie! I've sent you two emails since you've been back! I guess you're not getting them. I need your address to send you the gift! Please stop crying. I'm not flooded. There is no raft. That's happening in B.C., like seven days drive away! Canada is really, really big!

Posted by: Zen on October 24, 2003 04:52 PM

I laughed so hard milk came out of my nose!!! I have to say I feel privileged to have come across this site. I have laughed (and cried) and enjoyed this community of Keanu fans. Keep up the good work!

Posted by: Melissa on October 24, 2003 05:48 PM

Oh, I know I'm hopelessly popular culture deprived. I offer only this as my excuse for not seeing the second Matrix:

It would have involved sitting in the same room as 60 backward baseball cap wearing, potential vehicular homicide inducing, mouth breathing cretins who might choke on their popcorn thereby forcing me to decided (all too quickly) whether or not to watch them choke to death or give them the Heimlich... or worse, mouth-to-mouth.

Having touched one such cretin, I would worry like Lady MacBeth over a sink full of bleach and PhisoHex.

The moral of this story, bloggers, is: think carefully before you act upon thoughts such as "I really should take that CPR refresher class".

The responsibility is a bitch.

Now, having seen the first Matrix, I had a sneeking suspicion that there was a higher power, if you will. An organizing principle. An emotionless AI dedicated to a large scale, best fit solution. The movie also featured some rather unveiled nods to a handful of Eastern Philosophies, each with the purpose of cutting through such pure intellect and freeing the spirit or what have you.

I, myself, have written a module for my little IRC bot, a module that detects occurances of Haiku (or at least Haiku-like structure) in the text stream of an IRC channel. It isn't exactly far fetched to imagine a small pseudo-AI being trained to write and load new code to provide for functions it doesn't currently have but feels it needs.

In fact, such things exist on a very low, boring and limited level. Today.

Gibson writes of an AI that creates art.

At the high leve of the film, few of the elements the Brothers have placed in it are exactly new.

What is most facinating is that they take bits of religion and philosophy, borrow from other films (the Nebuccanezer is remakably like the ship Ripley was on in the first Alien) and THEY MAKE YOU FORGET YOU'VE SEEN MOST OF THIS BEFORE.

No mean feat, that.

They show it all in a new and terribly unique way.

Their genius lies in synthesis, much in the same way Lucas' does.

Two geeks grew up reading everything they could get their hands on. It stewed in their noggins for 25 years and out came, dare I say it?


In my book these two boys sit at the same table as the Cohen Brothers.

It all makes me wish my own brother wasn't such a complete and utter borderline illiterate putz.

If I had it, I'd bet money that I'm right about the Architect. After all, each new universe requires a creator.

But these boys know how to tell a story. They are rare filmakers in that they can make me suspend my disbelief and become captivated.

All of this makes me rather miffed at the yokkels who keep talking after the lights go out about Trinity's ass and distract me from nuance I know is there.

Then again, maybe I just need to lighten up ;)

(This is not blog squatting. Honest.)

Posted by: V. on October 24, 2003 05:49 PM

V, you are an incredibly intelligent and talented writer. (I have read your blog, not just this entry) And as a girl who also considers herself in the *ahem* intelligent (if not talented writer) sphere, with seven-years-post-secondary-education-and-counting to prove it, I can understand that you feel the need to analyse and revel in the nuance. However, I think you might have overlooked a crucial aspect of this film which renders it an absolute must see. KEANU REEVES IS NAKED IN IT!!!!!!

Posted by: Zen on October 24, 2003 06:25 PM

I am new to this site, and therefore haven't read many of V's comments, but I would like to ask if V (or any others) have read Plato's Gorgias? I have to say right from the start that I do not pretend to be a philosopher, but from what I remember, Socrates and Gorgias argue about the difference between knowledge and belief.

Socrates argues that people can be persuaded to believe something that is not true; that just because someone holds a particular belief, that is not proof of its veracity. The person doing the persuading, the rhetorician, does not necessarily know the "truth" either; he just has a job to do.

I always come back to this when thinking about the Matrix. Were Neo, Morpheus, Trinity, et al, given a load of bull? Were they persuaded to believe what they wanted to believe? Is the Architect some kind of rhetorician? Is he trying to persuade Neo to believe something that isn't necessarily true?

Maybe others have answered these questions, and I am sure that others have asked more intelligent questions.

But Zen is right. The most important part of the film is that KEANU IS NAKED.

Posted by: Melissa on October 24, 2003 07:03 PM

I didn't mean it was the most important part. I meant it was a good enough reason to see the movie. Plato? Socrates? Someone's been watching Bill & Ted! ;D

Posted by: Zen on October 24, 2003 07:21 PM

Sorry Zen! Didn't mean to misquote you. Guess I was just projecting there. Visually, that may be an important part of the movie, but not necessarily philosophically.

Posted by: Melissa on October 24, 2003 07:29 PM

Melissa! I was just teasing you sweetie! No offense taken. Really. :D

Posted by: Zen on October 24, 2003 07:57 PM

No becauze...it IS the most important scene of the movie....

No really, I prefer seeying Keanu with his pants on. I am not at all interested in his dernière or his Little Lord.
O my God, I guess I should take some therapie...

Posted by: ShabbyShanice on October 27, 2003 12:07 PM
What's on your mind?.....
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