November 19, 2002
Diary* of a Lowlife Tabloid** Photographer***

. . . . .

Monday 6:38 am
So fucked. Got shanghaied with dumpster watch this week. Nothing profitable has come from dumpster watch since Courtney Cox-Arquette bought a whole new underwear wardrobe and trashed her old ones, and even that wasn't the jackpot I had hoped. Damn eBay and their hygiene guidelines. It's not like the good old days when that Sheen kid would carelessly toss his wallet along with the trojan wrapper, either.

7:02 am
When the hell does Starbucks open anyway? I can see three of them from my vantage point in this oleander. Something itches. I need a fucking latte.

7:34 am
My left asscheek is completely asleep from crouching. Going to walk over to see if I can get that latte yet and try and get back circulation.

8:08 am
Could holding up the coffee line so you can yak on your cell phone be any ruder?
Newsflash, buddy. We've ALL got a screenplay. Just get your stupid Frappucino and talk while you drive like everybody else.
I hate L.A.

8:25 am
Two pigeons and a squirrel are stalking me. It's creeping me out.
They must want my scone. Goddamn vermin. What's that smell?

8:41 am
They need to do something about the lack of noise from those electric cars. This is the third time in a month that Ed Begley, Jr. has nearly run me over. He doesn't even bother with the "I'm sorry!" wave and shrug anymore...
At least he scared those pigeons away.
The squirrel remains. Parasite.

9:09 am
Ka-ching! The day is looking up. Managed to snap one shot of Keanu Reeves throwing something out. I wonder what it is. Plan on going to check it out once coast is clear. Where'd I put my scone?

9:14 am
Found scone then GAHHH!!!! Attacked by DAMN SQUIRREL! Bleeeeeeding! PAIN!
Had to dump the rest of (now cold) latte in my own lap to repel squirrel.
Oh, the pain.....

9:23 am
Reeves comes back with more trash. He looks directly in this direction and flips the bird. Miss shot because of blood, fur and latte foam on the lens.
Either he knows I'm here because of the screaming or he has squirrel issues, too. Got the lens pointed in time to get him retrieving earlier box. Damn.
At least I got these pictures. I'm sure they'll be able to spin something out of them.
As long as I get paid.

9:37 am
Pack up camera. Make appointment for rabies shot.

. . . . .

*purely fictional and written in response to this.

**Any offense to tabloids or the people that work for them is absolutely intentional.

***Please find a more noble profession, like spammer or telemarketer.

it wahs | from inside the mind of krix at November 19, 2002 08:00 PM .

You're making me laugh so hard.......I swear...I need stock in Depends.

Posted by: Da Goddess on November 19, 2002 09:08 PM

Oh krix...

If they didn't do this job, we wouldn't know where Keanu is...

I think it's kinda funny...

Posted by: Keanuette on November 19, 2002 11:15 PM

Are you serious?
Just because he chose to be an actor doesn't give people the right to intrude the way that this little "kinda funny" story has, not to mention other intrusions by the media at much more indelicate times. I personally, don't have the need to "know where he is", certainly not at this price. I can wait for the next Dogstar show announcement or news about his next movie. That's the type of attitude that keeps these rags in business, and perpetuates these flocks of celebrity "hunters" to make so many peoples lives at the least inconvenient, at the most a living hell. Would you like someone hanging around taking your picture TO SELL when you were just going about your business? It's obnoxious and fucked up. Keanu has made it plain and clear how much he dislikes intrusive press.

Posted by: krix on November 19, 2002 11:37 PM

I just want to add that, yes, this particular story was a little light hearted, unlike so many of these stories are. That is why I chose to go ahead and blog my response to it and vent about this particular topic, which is something I've needed to do. I'm sure this trash story isn't "painful" for him, he may even laugh at it, but it's certainly not flattering, either.

Posted by: krix on November 19, 2002 11:46 PM

ok, i need to weigh in on this. the point i see, in this brilliant satire, is that being a fan doesn't mean intruding on the life of the object of your adoration. it's possible to admire a body of work, without wanting to know the base details of a famous person's life.

being a fan is about fondness, perhaps in the extreme, but it should not include intrusive tactics that make that person sorry they ever took up a life in which their creativity and talent led them to fame.

krix, to me, you are the epitome of fandom. it's about respect. you so have that.

Posted by: kd on November 20, 2002 01:26 AM

go krix, go krix! you done keanu proud with your vitriolic humor. that's why i love you so.

Posted by: Lori on November 20, 2002 03:13 AM

As much as I hate tabloid reporters, I'm still glad we got new photos, sorry. At least there wasn't a "trashy" story made to go with it.

Posted by: Luvske on November 20, 2002 05:53 AM

What kd said....yeah, exactly that. Once again, krix, my hat's off to you!

Posted by: Ann on November 20, 2002 06:39 AM

Krix, once again, your sardonic wit has brightened my morning. I hope your scenario was as close-as-squirrel-nuts to what happened to that guy. I'm surprised he didn't go through the garbage. Maybe next issue. I hope all he finds are ciggie butts. Bastard!

Posted by: Chianti on November 20, 2002 08:16 AM

Thanks, you guys.

Posted by: krix on November 20, 2002 01:52 PM

Sorry ~ no offence intended.

Posted by: Keanuette on November 20, 2002 03:02 PM


The post was amazing!!!!! I still cannot believe people are capable of doing such things to get a picture.

Keanuette, I know you meant no harm, or to offend anyone, it's just that I don't think anyone likes to have pics of our daily tasks sold all around. It's like people are products to be sold, no matter what...

Posted by: Bea on November 20, 2002 05:16 PM

I know, I know...

Posted by: Keanuette on November 20, 2002 10:43 PM

This post is one of my favorites because it gave me a chance to vent about something I feel strongly about, but still be entertaining. I'm sorry that I freaked out on Keanuette. But I think we're cool now. I understand that fandom means different things to different people. One of the reasons I started this site, and this blog, was to express what it means to me.

Posted by: krix on December 30, 2002 10:52 PM
What's on your mind?.....
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