"Johnny Mnemonic" is to Keanu fans as "Spock's Brain" is to Star Trek fans. The only difference is Spock's brain was detached from his body, Johnny's was going to explode. Star Trek fans hide "Spock's Brain" episode from non-fans. I hide JM from my non-Keanu friends. Keanu also has acknowledged his disappointment in the film. On a Sports Talk radio station in Chicago, Keanu complained that Tri Star studio completely changed the concept of the movie after it was filmed. One of the hosts responded, "what was it originally, a musical?" Funny stuff. I bought a pre-production copy of the movie at a media convention- its the only way I can stand watching it. It's missing the background music, the credits, the opening scene, and the sound effects. Instead of a knock at the door, someone says "knock, knock." It has my all-time least favorite, red-alert cringe line Keanu has ever said in a movie: "I NEED a computer." I need an exit sign.

There were few clues that disaster was imminent. The commercials looked good, the media hype was all positive the week before it opened. I loved the MTV half-hour movie special on JM, what host Chris Connelly called "a moped down memory lane", a retrospective on Keanu's career. Keanu looked relaxed, open, and gorgeous. Keanu had read William Gibson's 1984 story called "Neuromancer" and jumped at the chance to work with him and Robert Longo, the director. Millions of other Sci Fi fans waited anxiously for the first adaption of Gibson's work to make it to the screen; it seemed primed to become a blockbuster. And then JM was moved from a winter release to Memorial weekend, up against the third installment in the "Die Hard" series. Who made that decision?

I saw JM on its opening night in the largest auditorium at the theater complex. By Sunday, it was moved to an auditorium the size of my living room. The Friday reviews were frightening. All those jokes about Keanu's brain capacity needing an upload, or needing a brain implant, or needing an "ultimate hard drive" himself. So what happened to a movie which began so promising with Keanu in black underwear on black satin sheets, and the universal appeal of a man trying to reclaim his lost childhood memories?

Well, first of all, I usually don't like movies that begin with a scroll. You get your popcorn, you settle in your seat, and the next thing you know you have flashbacks to a college lecture hall as you try to comprehend Nerve Attenuation Syndrome, Loteks, Yakuza, Mnemonic couriers, and wet-wired brain implants. Johnny's brain was uploaded from 80 to 160 gigabytes and carried 320 gigabytes of information. I needed the same thing just to figure out what the hell was going on. I hadn't even started eating my popcorn when I was confronted with "they sheath their data in black ice, to burn the brains of intruders." Quick! Get me a memory augmentation...or an Adam Sandler movie.

I got the plot---everyone hates pharmaceutical companies and Pharmakom looked pretty nasty. But the testosterone explosion of Ice-T as J-Bone, Dolph Lungren as Street Preacher, and Henry Rollins as Spider, just overwhelmed Keanu's disintegrating "Just Johnny." And the lack of chemistry between Keanu and Dina Meyer didn't help.

The movie was just plain weird.

The Loteks didn't seem to be too bright (think of the two guards who dropped the exploding car to the ground.) And the NAS underground seemed to ineffective to be true hero- material. There was a "ghost in the machine" who kept popping up yelling "Johnny!" at tense moments. And what's with Keanu in a shark-skinned suit, tied down on a table with a red ball in his mouth getting his head whacked off? Dominatrix, anyone? ["Yes, please!"--krix]

On a personal note, I did get to visit the JM bridge in Montreal, when I visited a friend. I got to cross it and stand under it. I didn't find the dirt hill so I could give my "room service, cold Mexican beer, and $10,000 a night hooker" soliloquy, but I did soak up the ambience (actually it was a parking lot.)

JM should be like Brigadoon and reappear every 99 years. It should be put back in the matrix and everyone given a blue pill. It's our own "Plan 9 From Outer Space", Y2K Hoax, bogus journey. I experienced synaptic seepage along with Johnny as I watched this half-baked distant cousin of "Blade Runner" and "Dark City." Why did those work and this one tank? And speaking of tanks, should we even mention the ending with the porpoise? It may become the definitive example of a "camp" movie. JM will become a Sci-Fi cult classic when I get to sit in the hot seat staring at Reege. Its quirkiness gave it potential, but I would rate it as Keanu's weakest link.
The balcony is now open.